Yep, you heard me. Now, I'M gonna rant about something. Something oh so viciously important that must be addressed. And yes, Doom, you've heard about it before.

Ladies and Pricks, let's discuss Larxene.

It's common knowledge by now: Every evil organization (complete with black, stylish and ultimately frustrating to make coats!) with an origin in Japan has one of two things.
A: A cast made up almost entirely of badass, scantily clad females
Or B: An overflow of testosterone with a single female thrown in like a birthday candle on a cake. Distracting, entirely plastic, and its best usage is being set on fire then thrown aside for actual value.

Well, not only did Organization XIII use B, they latched onto it, viciously slaughtered it and drank its sweet juices, which in turn burst out of its swollen tum-tum in the form of a fifteen-year-old grasshopper-headed twat known as Larxene, Maiden of One Thousand Pointless Existences.

And my oh my is pointless the key word... I mean, seriously, what does she do? From what I can tell, her role within the Organization's enigmatic inner workings is to doing nothing more and nothing less than prance around, giggling as much as physically possible without bursting her lungs *starts praying* while spreading pure buttfuckery with her disgustingly hammy acting. And this is an honest question: What is her purpose? Check this list out:

Xemnas: Leader. Duh.
Xigbar: Responsible for recruiting. (Both by his line about bringing in Marluxia, and... well c'mon. Who wouldn't join an Organization involving this guy?)
Xaldin: Responsible for making powerful Nobodies. (Like with the Beast)
Vexen: Carries out experiments and creates replicas.
Lexeaus: ... Goes around swinging a warhammer, I guess...
Zexion: Strategist.
Saix: Second in command. Oversees the Organization while Xemnas is making love to Kingdom Hearts.
Axel: Assassin. Takes care of bullshitters.
Demyx: The recon guy, I guess...
Luxord: He messes around with enemies' minds and I'd suppose he came the "scientist" after Vexen melted (literally)
Marluxia: He's most likely the leader if Xemnas and Saix aren't around. (It'd fit his profile, too. A third in command being jealous of Saix and Xemnas and wanting to take them over. Makes sense to me.)
Larxene: ?????
Roxas: Collects hearts.

See? I put quite some time into what I think their roles are, but Larxene? Nada. Her only plot actions so far are annoying Sora, annoying Axel, annoying Vexen, annoying Roxas and tagging along with Marluxia cause she thinks it'll make her have a purpose in the story. Really well-developed, eh? Really wipes the floor with character development...

But ya know what? Let's get to the real reason I decided to journal it up. Four words: Re:. Chain. Of. Memories. And yes, Re: is a word. It means... Re!

Y'know something? Chain of Memories... is cool. There, I said it. CoM pretty much rocks. Flawless pacing, an interesting (though rather ridiculous) battle system, a pretty damn cool premise and over all? A nice break of button mashers. But there's just a teensy little problem here: Larxene exists and she's pissy. Dear God... Just when I started getting used to the battle system, building up my deck to get some super epic out of it, Larxene eats her way through a wall to come poke her proboscis in my business. Why? Who the hell knows? Remember what I said about pointless? Well here it is. The game decided I'd be just plain overjoyed to see this snotty little locust kick Sora in the stomach and vomit up the most spasmodic, undeserved flail movements this side of Vincent from Silent Hill 3! But instead of just eating my crops and pissing off (sorry, I'll stop with the locust jokes), she decided the most tactical choice of action is to serve my own ass to me on a golden platter. I mean... dear sweet mother Flubber is she hard. Not only does she have the master advantage of the computer system going at lightning speed and saying "Oh, this one guy that's about to blow a blood vessel from sheer frustration? I'm sure he can keep up, right Larxene?" but her attack pattern is just senseless slaps.

Imagine a guy. Now, this guy is smashing you repeatedly with, say, a spoon. It doesn't really hurt that much, and it's more annoying than threatening. He keeps smacking you and smacking to to the very threshold of fury. So you try fighting back, just to get this fucker away from you. You've got shit to do, why should this one jerk stand in your way? Well, it turns out that this guy is immortal. Throw everything you have at him, but he just won't die. He wields his spoon like an artist, parrying all of your attacks with old hat tricks and the way he combines three spoons at once into one all out attack? Devastating. Now, if that wasn't enough to make you bust a proverbial nut, this guy also gets harder, better, faster and stronger as you swat at him, making you chances of smacking him just once or twice more completely inconceivable! Each sold separately, batteries not included, motherfucker! Well, guess what I just described?







The Pope eating Mecha-Godzilla. Now get the fuck out of here.

But seriously, why can't Sora just use a bug-spray card? Hah! I knew I could squeeze one more in!